As you all should know by now, I usually have some kind of gut-bustingly hilarious way to describe the frustrating situations we all share while living here in beautiful Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Some real slam dunk zingers about life in the ol’ Chip Bowl.* However, in the case of today’s topic, I have nothing for you in the way of five-star buffoonery. So I’ll simply say it.

Driving in downtown Eau Claire this summer sucks. Yes, I know it’s not bad compared to much larger cities. All you world travelers out there are probably thinking, “Pffft. Try driving through downtown Chicago at rush hour during heavy construction while an earthquake rocks the city, sending lava to the surface, melting your tires to the pavement, and a mischievous wizard turns the traffic lights into giant carnivorous trees.”

I get it. It could be worse. That said, driving in downtown Eau Claire this summer sucks. Off the top of my head, we’re dealing with post-winter potholes, intersection repairs, random road resurfacings, a freaking hole in a freaking bridge, and multiple building projects including a transfer center taking longer to erect than Germany’s Cologne Cathedral which was constructed over the course of 632 years.

But let’s stay positive. Here are my helpful tips for navigating the downtown area.

Plan Ahead

Need to head downtown for some shopping, a business appointment, or a hot lunch date? Pick a route to and from your destination and drive it at least three times beforehand, including the morning of the big day. Learn the pitfalls and develop alternate plans of attack. This is the same process getaway drivers use to plan their big jewel heists, so it’ll probably work for your half-a-hoagie and soup order from Acoustic Café.

Don’t Over Pack

You might be lost downtown for a while, but don’t lose your mind when packing for the trip. Just keep a case of bottled water in your trunk along with some protein bars, prepackaged dried fruit, canned meats, beef jerky (vegan is fine), candles, a flare gun, three pairs of extra socks, waterproof matches, and one large survival knife per passenger, including the driver. Anything more is overdoing it.

Park Smart

Need to park your car? Use a parking ramp. This is the easy part.

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we’re dealing with post-winter potholes, intersection repairs, random road resurfacings, a freaking hole in a freaking bridge, and multiple building projects including a transfer center taking longer to erect than Germany’s Cologne Cathedral which was constructed over the course of 632 years.

MIKE PAULUS

Hover

If you’re planning to drive downtown on a Friday or Saturday evening to grab some takeout or attend a super swanky show at the Pablo Center, don’t do it. Stay home and play videogames. If you absolutely must go downtown during these ultra busy times, try out my clever car hack … 1.) Buy a lot of leaf blowers (like, a lot) and gas ’em up. 2.) Duct tape them all around your car, pointing down. 3.) Climb into your vehicle and have a good friend fire up the blowers. 4.) Now you should be hovering. Float through downtown on a cushion of air, high above the other drivers like the absolute deity you are.

Form Alliances

Hopefully, at this point in your life, you’ve bonded with one or two other people, and hopefully those people like you enough to give you a ride downtown. Getting a free ride into and out of busy urban areas is a great way to skip the hassle. It’s like saying, “How about YOU deal with this crap while I relax?” You might also consider befriending a downtown crane operator who can probably just hook on to your bumper, hoist your car skyward, and set it down on the roof of your choice.

Learn Parkour

In case you haven’t heard because you stopped paying attention to the outside world, “parkour” is the activity of moving rapidly through an urban environment, negotiating obstacles by running, jumping, climbing, and pretending you’re a less awesome Spider-Man. It takes strength, conditioning, a quick mind, and nerves of steel. In fact, it takes years to truly master. Once you’ve mastered it, leave your car at home and go bounding through downtown, scrambling up walls and leaping from rooftops. Transporting others? Strap them to your back like Edward and Bella in a 15-year-old movie called Twilight. 

Thus concludes today’s world-class textual monkey business.

* “Chip Bowl” is a quirky phrase my wife Shannon once used instead of “Chippewa Valley.” She said this maybe 15 years ago, and while it’s yet to catch on, I can tell – way deep down – she’s still hoping the rest of you will start using it in everyday conversation.